Thursday, March 7, 2024

Character Analysis: The Soldier

Background


  • Name: Sergeant-Barrister Jane Doe

  • Age: Approx. 47 years

  • Height: 6’1" | 184.1 cm We use AMERICAN units here, fruitcake!

  • Weight: About 200 lbs

  • Favorite World War: 2

  • Grenades Jumped On: 1,336

  • Likes: Capt. Dan's Army Surplus Soup, Guns and Haircuts Magazine, deliveries from The Rib Place

  • Hates: Anybody and anything that isn't American

Growing up in the 1920's, one mister Jane Doe, soon to take the alias of "The Soldier", was born right in time to participate in World War II. His love for his country was boundless, his patriotism undaunted, but the U.S. military deemed him unfit to serve in their fine establishment. Doe was barred from every single branch the military offered, but he simply felt an obligation to serve his fine, beautiful U S of A. So, he packed his bags and hitched a ride to Europe, where he found his way to Poland, taught himself how to wield, load, and fire several types of military-grade weaponry, and immediately embarked on a "Nazi-killing spree." He earned several medals, all of which were invented by himself, and promptly ended his rampage upon hearing of the end of the war... in 1949. Four years too late.


From this point forward, Doe was blacklisted nationwide from as little as owning a water pistol. He lived his life as the roommate to Merasmus, the most powerful wizard in the world (and also the only wizard in the world) until he was given an offer from the two sons of Zepheniah Mann: Redmond and Blutarch Mann. With his years of experience as a """soldier""", he was given the opportunity to fight as a mercenary in the brothers' never-ending feud over the gravel pits of Nevada, carrying the legacy of American historical figures such as Stonewall Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, and John Henry.


From that point, the rest is history. The Soldier fought a never-ending war on the two brothers' behalf until the both of them were assassinated by Gray Mann, their secret third brother raised by eagles. Simple stuff, really. Whether he's fighting man, machine, or something far greater, there's no doubt that the Soldier will gladly risk his life in the line of duty. And he'll be sure to let you know the boot in your ass was manufactured in America.


Abilities and Experience


Weapon Proficiency


Despite what the Soldier might tell you, his medals were not given to him by any sort of legitimate military regime. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have any experience on the battlefield. He spent ten years of his life training and mastering the weapons he used during his overseas massacre, and even more serving as Redmond and Blutarch's mercenary.


Doe’s proficiency with firearms is what allowed him to become a mercenary in the first place. He spent several years teaching himself how to load, aim, and fire all of his various weaponry. Hell, he even made his own rocket launcher at one point. He clearly knows the ins and outs of his weaponry very well, as we see him charge through a battlefield with surprisingly astute awareness in Meet the Soldier. He’s even read the Art of War by ancient Chinese general Sun Tzu and readily quotes it when given the chance, meaning he’s read up on some of the best combat strategies.


Soldier served as a key player in the Gravel Wars, the Robot Wars, and the Australium Chase, fighting both the opposing team and Gray Mann’s robots to a standstill, mostly thanks to his mastery of military-grade weaponry.


Hand-to-Hand Combat


Soldier’s been in his fair share of physical scrapes. Despite his… unorthodox fighting style (consisting mainly of grapples), he’s able to dispatch opponents, whether they be man, beast, or machine, with relative ease.


Various Proficiencies


Despite being, by most regards, an idiot, Soldier surprisingly has a lot of experience in various differing fields, none of which are particularly tied to his main profession as a mercenary. He’s a lawyer, a priest, a licensed exorcist in Guam, and the proud owner of a raccoon sanctuary. 


Also, he won a nose-picking contest! That’s gotta count for something.


Rocket Jumping


A technique used since time immemorial, until Abraham Lincoln invented the concept of the modern “stair” in 1857. The quickest way to go from one point to another is a straight line, and an even quicker way is to propel yourself with live explosives! By shooting his rocket launcher at his feet, the Soldier is capable of blasting off at massive speeds, clearing long distances and gaining notable height.


Now, you may be asking yourself: how does he not blow himself up by doing this? Short answer? He does! It hurts! But he has ways of circumventing the damage by using tools such as the Gunboats, the Mantreads, and the Rocket Jumper, tools dedicated to assisting the rocket-jumping way.

Critical Hits


(footage from NISLT)


Every once in a while, Soldier’s rockets can just… randomly do three times the normal damage. How? Why? Who knows. All we know is that the concept of crits are canon, since we see them during Meet the Soldier.


A few of Soldier’s weapons also have methods to guarantee crits, such as the Market Gardener, or a slightly weaker version called a Minicrit (which deals 1.5x damage rather than 3x), such as the Direct Hit and the Reserve Shooter.


Immortality


While living as the roommate of the immortal wizard Merasmus, Soldier accidentally ingested an entire bottle of “Kill Me Come Back Stronger” pills (assuming it was his heart medication.) As we know Merasmus is six thousand years old and can revive himself after being killed, it’s likely that Soldier also gained these benefits after consuming the pills, considering that Merasmus doesn’t even try to kill him after learning that he’s consumed them.


Powerups


While participating in the Mannpower gamemode, certain powerups become available for Soldier, as well as any other class to obtain. These powerups can be obtained from the spawn room, or in the midst of combat, and only one can be equipped at a time. The following powerups are available:


  • Strength - Double damage for all weapons. Distance damage fall-off immunity. Doesn't stack with crits.

  • Resistance - Reduces incoming damage by 50%. Immune to Plague, Reflect and blocks backstabs.

  • Vampire - All damage dealt is returned as health. Melee attacks return 1.25x damage as health. 25% damage resistance. Max health increased by 80.

  • Reflect - 80% of damage received is reflected back to the attacker (reflected damage cannot directly cause death). Max health increased to 400. 

  • Haste - Double weapon firing and reload rate. Double clip size and max ammo count. Movement speed increased by 30%. 

  • Regeneration - Ammo, health, and metal regenerate. The rate of health regeneration is inversely proportional to max health.

  • Precision - Greatly reduced bullet spread. Distance damage falloff immunity. Rocket travel speed increased by 250%. Increased blast weapon clip size by 50%. Explosive projectiles have no radius damage falloff. Immunity to self-blast damage.

  • Agility - Movement speed increased by 50%. Grapple speed increase. Jump height increased by 80%. Instant weapon switch. Immune to fall damage. 

  • Knockout - Restricts the carrier to Melee and Grappling Hook only. Max health increased by 150. Immune to airblast and damage pushback. Melee weapon deals 190% of base damage and forcibly shoves the victim away (Doesn't stack with crits). Melee hits force the victim to drop their Powerup or the flag if they have it. 4x melee damage to buildings. Collects health pack health without subtracting their health bonus. 

  • King - Increased max health. Small health regeneration, fire, and reload rate increase. All effects except maximum health increase are shared by nearby teammates. Regeneration effect is inversely proportional to maximum health.

  • Plague - Radius health kit collection. Touching an enemy gives them and their nearby teammates the plague. Plague victims bleed to death in 10 seconds unless they pick up a health kit or touch a resupply cabinet. Plague blocks King's health regeneration and team buff.

  • Supernova - Discharge a supernova attack (grapple secondary fire) to briefly stun nearby visible enemies. Requires full Powerup meter. Powerup meter fills over time, or by dealing damage. Stunned enemies drop their Powerups, and are pushed away from the supernova attacker. Once discharged, the Supernova Powerup disappears and respawns. When the Powerup meter is full, enemies glow when in range.

  • Revenge - Temporary full crit power for 30 seconds.


Arsenal


Rocket Launchers


The brand of weapon that Soldier specializes in. He has a plethora to choose from for each given situation, all of which supplied by the parent company of Reliable Excavation and Demolition and Builder's League United (commonly shortened to RED and BLU), Mann Co.

  • Rocket Launcher: The default option, and Soldier's most reliable firearm. Able to miraculously fire up to four rockets before needing to reload. Also has an Australium equivalent.

  • Original: A functionally identical variant of his standard rocket launcher, and also a reference to the weapon owned by the Classic Soldier in the original Team Fortress.

  • Direct Hit: A more precise instrument dedicated to hitting specific targets gifted to the Soldier during his WAR! with the Demoman. It has increased damage against airborne targets.

  • Black Box: A hulking behemoth of a rocket launcher that restores the Soldier's health upon damaging targets. Also has an Australium equivalent.

  • Rocket Jumper: Initially designed as a developer tool for practicing how to rocket jump, it was made publicly available at a later date. It inflicts no damage, but allows the Soldier to jump without any immediate self harm.

  • Liberty Launcher: A diet version of the Direct Hit, with increased projectile speed and clip size at the cost of damage.

  • Cow Mangler 5000: One of Soldier's weapons straight from the labs of Dr. Grordbort's Infallible Aether Oscillators, this chargable plasma cannon is capable of disintegrating any target in its way on a quantum level.

  • Beggar's Bazooka: Made by Soldier himself out of items he found in the local scrap pile, this rocket launcher can store up to three rockets in its chamber simultaneously before firing all three at once.

  • Air Strike: A specialized air-to-land rocket launcher fashioned from the shell of an atom bomb. Its firing speed boosts astronomically while the user is airborne, and its clip size gets bigger as it racks up kills.


Sidearms


If rocket launchers aren’t the way to go, Soldier has a variety of sidearms that he can pull out in a pinch. 


  • Shotgun: A standard shotgun that’s good to bring out in a pinch. Deals massive damage at close ranges.

  • Reserve Shooter: A military-grade shotgun that minicrits enemies launched airborne by Soldier’s rockets (or by other means.) Shared with the Pyro.

  • Panic Attack: A jerry rigged shotgun that has a faster switch speed and fast firing speed, as well as a unique bullet spread. Shared with the Pyro, the Heavy, and the Engineer.

  • Righteous Bison: Another one of Dr. Grordbort’s specialties and made from Imitation Metal (a light-weight compound that looks and feels remarkably like plastic), this subatomic ray gun fires piercing energy bolts that can hit targets multiple times. Has the bonus of never running out of ammo.


Banners


In addition to firearms, the Soldier can also equip a variety of banners on his back, each one with both an active and a passive effect.


  • Buff Banner: A brown knapsack with a simple bright-yellow colored flag attached. Has no passive, but grants minicrits on activation. 

  • Battalion's Backup: A radio kit with a triangular yellow flag sticking out the back. Passively increases Soldier’s health by 20, and, upon activation, grants Soldier a shield that reduces 35% of incoming damage.

  • Concheror: A wooden backpack with a conch shell attached. Passively regenerates health up to 4 hp/s, and, on activation, gives a 40% speed boost to himself and all nearby allies. Does not stack with the Disciplinary Action.

  • B.A.S.E Jumper: While not necessarily a banner, I figured that this would be the best place to put this piece of equipment. While midair, Soldier can deploy the B.A.S.E. Jumper, a large military-grade parachute, to slow his descent and negate fall damage. Shared with the Demoman.


Boots


How can Soldier put his boot up your ass without the proper ass-kicking footwear? While he doesn’t have much, Soldier has a selection of boots that he can equip, giving him passive benefits at the cost of not having a proper secondary weapon.


  • Mantreads: A pair of tanker boots. When equipped, Soldier gains increased air maneuverability as well as the ability to do damage to enemies via “goomba-stomping” them with his rocket jumps.

  • Gunboats: A pair of modified jungle boots, appearing to be reinforced with metal plating. When equipped, all self-inflicted damage caused by rocket jumps is reduced by 60%. Perfect if you value your legs!


Melee Weapons



When munitions don’t do the trick fast enough, Soldier has a myriad of melee weapons to fall back on in the case that he finds himself in close-quarters combat.

Soldier-Specific Weapons


  • Shovel: A standard, reliable shovel. For some reason, it occasionally catches on fire.

  • Equalizer: A pickaxe that increases damage inversely proportional to Soldier’s health.

  • Pain Train: A piece of wood with a nail in it. It allows Soldier to capture control points and complete objectives twice as fast. Shared with the Demoman.

  • Half-Zatoichi: An authentic Japanese katana that has lifesteal properties. If it hits another player wielding the Half-Zatoichi, it is an instant-kill. Shared with the Demoman.

  • Disciplinary Action: A baton-like whip that boosts the Soldier’s speed by 40% upon contact with an enemy at the cost of slightly reduced damage. This speed boost does not stack with the Concheror.

  • Market Gardener: A military-grade shovel that deals guaranteed critical hits as long as Soldier is in the midst of a rocket jump. Perfect for aerial combat, or just for flashy kills.

  • Escape Plan: A pickaxe that boosts Soldier’s speed inversely proportional to his health, up to 60%.


All-Class Weapons


  • Frying Pan: An iron skillet that creates loud noises when it hits the target. Also could cook up a mean omelet, if given the chance. Was a crossover with Left 4 Dead, and can be enhanced with Strange Bacon Grease.

  • Conscientious Objector: A wooden sign that can be adorned with any image the wielder chooses. Good for posting porn, swastikas, or both!

  • Freedom Staff: A large, wooden cane with a golden ornament of an eagle at the end. God bless America!

  • Bat Outta Hell: A skull and upper spine, ripped directly from an enemy. Can be adorned with the headset of a Scout, the helmet of a Soldier, or the cap and eyepatch of a Demoman.

  • Ham Shank: A large cut of meat, inspired by the world of Don’t Starve. According to its appearance in said game, it can stay fresh for up to 10 days!

  • Necro Smasher: A miniature replica of Merasmus’s Strongman Machine. As good as any other mallet.

  • Crossing Guard: An unearthed railroad crossing sign obtained from the End of the Line update. 

  • Prinny Machete: A machete belonging to the Prinny of Disgaea. Unlike other all-class weapons, the Spy is allowed to use it. Guess it’s close enough to a knife.

  • Golden Frying Pan: A legendary item that can be bought for thousands of REAL LIFE DOLLARS. Seriously, this thing has sold for similar amounts of money as cars. This thing is worth half a year’s salary on minimum wage, at worst. That, or you can just get really lucky in a Mann vs Machine tour. Anybody struck with this weapon will immediately turn to Australium, resulting in a quick death.


Other Tools

Grenades


Soldier is always seen wearing a bandolier of grenades across his chest, which he often uses in order to suicide bomb his opponent or to pantomime his sentences. If he were to throw them, however, they would be a reliable form of explosive damage alongside his rocket launcher, functioning similarly to how they did in Team Fortress Classic.


Soldier also has access to Holy Hand Grenades from the Worms series (which in turn is a reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail), though he is never seen using them any differently from his normal grenades (that being to blow himself the fuck up).


His grenades can also take a variety of forms in accordance with his cosmetics, including but not limited to: bananas, skulls, candles, expired soup, rubber ducks, crucifixes, maggots, candy canes, ornaments, voodoo dolls, mysterious potions, and stockings. Quite the arsenal!


Soul Gargoyle


A gargoyle made from stone, bronze, silver, or Australium, depending on its level of satiation. Simply having this item equipped allows its user to harvest the soul of anyone they kill, trapping it within the gargoyle in order to accumulate “soul points.” It was given to the mercs by Merasmus in order to fulfill a debt to the Russian mafia.


Contracker


The Contracker is the premium tool used to keep tabs on active contracts. Contracts are in-match missions that reward the recipient with Blood Money, which can be used to purchase War Paints. Just like the Soul Gargoyle, the Contracker changes in appearance as more contracts get filled out, going from Gravel, to Bronze, to Silver, to Australium.


Grappling Hook


Automatically equipped during the Mannpower game mode, the Grappling Hook gives Soldier an explosion-free way of fast, 3-dimensional movement. The Grappling Hook can latch to any wall, ceiling, or floor, and can reel its wielder towards the targeted surface. If an enemy is struck with the Grappling Hook, it causes the target to profusely bleed, as long as the claw is embedded within them.


If the Supernova Powerup is equipped, the Grappling Hook gains a powerful alternative ability that massively knocks back and stuns all enemies within a large radius.


Power Up Canteen


When filled at an upgrade station, the Power Up Canteen allows Soldier to manually activate a myriad of effects up to three times before needing a refill. Whether it be in the form of a battery pack or a trick-or-treating bag, most mercenaries that participated in the Robot Wars are bound to have a canteen lying around.


The canteen can store the following effects, specifically for Soldier:


  • Become Übercharged: Supplies 5 seconds of ÜberCharge, a form of invulnerability, to the user.

  • Become Crit Boosted: The user’s attacks become guaranteed critical hits for 5 seconds.

  • Refill Clips and Ammo: Instantly refills all of the user’s ammo, and fills the user’s clips.

  • Teleport to Spawn: Immediately returns the user to the respawn room and supplies a temporary speed boost.


Spellbook


While Soldier is equipped with a spellbook, he gains access to a variety of randomly selected spells. While it’s unknown how these spells are canonically acquired, Soldier’s closeness to Merasmus should lead to the inference that he would be the most apt in magical shenanigans.


  • Fireball: Soldier shouts "Capatus Crepitus" and shoots a fireball out of his hands, doing damage to an enemy.

  • Swarm of Bats: Soldier shouts "Deus Invictus" and shoots a glowing ball that turns into a swarm of bats that assault the victims, causing bleed damage.

  • Pumpkin MIRV: Soldier shouts "Pactum Diabolus" and throws a bomb that leaves small "Pumpkin Bombs" when it explodes. 

  • Shadow Leap: Soldier shouts "Ipsum Instantarium" and shoots a smoke ball. He then gets teleported to the exact point at which the ball landed.

  • Blast Jump: Soldier shouts "Amplus Tripudio," causing his next jump to blast him into the air.

  • Stealth: Soldier shouts "Barpo Invisium" and turns invisible for 8 seconds as well as healing 40 HP.

  • Overheal: Soldier shouts "Barpo Kabalto", doubling his health.


There are also “rare spells” that can be obtained, albeit with slightly less probability.


  • Minify: Soldier shouts "Paidum Celeris" and becomes very small, which gives him increased speed and damage. 

  • Meteor Storm: Soldier shouts "Seismela Tremoro," summoning a group of meteors that appear from the sky and land on the victim.

  • Ball o' Lightning: Soldier shouts "Imputum Fulmenus" and fires a wave of electricity.

  • Skeletons Horde: Soldier shouts "Mortis Animataris," summoning a small army of skeletons to attack his foes. They explode after 30 seconds.

  • Summon MONOCULUS: Soldier shouts "Invokum Monoculus" and summons a replica of Monoculus that shoots eye rockets at any hostile targets before disappearing.


There are also a series of spells only available to Soldier while he’s riding in a bumper car! Don’t question it.


  • Uber Heal: Soldier shouts "Barpo Kabalto" and heals 50% of damage taken, leaving himself invulnerable for a few seconds. Uses the same incantation as the Overheal spell.

  • Boxing Rocket: Soldier shouts “Deus Invictus” and fires a projectile boxing glove, which on a hit launches enemy players and damages them. Uses the same incantation as the Swarm of Bats spell.

  • B.A.S.E. Jump: Soldier shouts “Amplus Tripudio” and launches himself up into the air, floating down slowly on a parachute. The spell can also launch nearby enemies when activated. Uses the same incantation as the Blast Jump spell.

  • Bombinomicon Head: The Bombinomicon appears and gives Soldier a bomb head which explodes and damages him after a period of time. If Soldier can ram another player before it explodes, the explosion affects the person being hit instead, usually knocking them back a huge distance as well.


Taunts


Yes, I’m serious.


There are a series of taunts that can be performed by either the Soldier or every class in the game, Soldier included. Many taunts are simple gestures, but others can summon items for Soldier to emote with. For the sake of completion, let’s go over all the items Soldier can summon with his taunts, and what they can do.


Soldier-Specific Taunts

  • Fresh Brewed Victory: A bag of coffee beans and a mug of coffee.

  • Fubar Fanfare: A trombone, which Soldier seems oddly proficient with.

  • Panzer Pants: A miniature tank, built with a non-threatening cannon and its very own self-destruct sequence.

  • Profane Puppeteer: A ventriloquist’s dummy of himself.

  • Rocket Jockey: A rocket. Like, an actual rocket. Why does he have this?

  • Soldier's Requiem: A tombstone engraved with the line, "Here lies maggot. I win. The end." How tactful.

  • Star-Spangled Strategy: A large canvas with the current objective written on it.


All-Class Taunts

  • Burstchester: A creature resembling the Bread Monster.

  • Cheers!: A canteen containing an innocuous liquid.

  • Killer Joke: A small drum set. 

  • Second Rate Sorcery: A wizard staff that seemingly is too second-rate to cast actual spells. Better stick to the Spellbook, then…

  • Shred Alert: An electric guitar, on which Soldier plays a riff. Seriously, how many instruments does this guy know how to play?

  • Victory Lap: A bumper car, complete with a horn. Also has spells that were discussed prior.

  • Yeti Punch: A large wooden cutout of the Yeti. Promptly smashed upon activation.

  • Yeti Smash: Soldier TURNS INTO A YETI and slams the ground. I wish I had a better explanation, but this “yeti transformation kit” is exactly what it says on the tin.

  • Zoomin' Broom: A witch’s broom that levitates off the ground.


Feats


Overall

  • Miraculously has not permanently died

  • Learned how to use an assortment of high-power firearms in a short amount of time

  • Participated in the Gravel War, the Robot War, and the Australium Chase

  • Won his WAR! against the Demoman, earning the Gunboats as a reward

  • Has fought millions of battles, many of which whilst naked (no, I'm not kidding)

  • Infiltrated Gray Mann's headquarters via wearing a robot costume to gather top secret  intelligence

  • Did nothing but teleport bread for three days

  • Secured the bag with Heavy's sister

  • Is a gamer

Strength

Physical Strength


Weapon Strength

Speed


  • Ran at top speed for 5 hours without break

  • Can react to various non-hitscan projectiles in-game, including:

  • Can boost his speed by 40% with the Disciplinary Action/Concheror, and by 60% with the Escape Plan (while at low health), which both stack

    • This creates a total speed multiplier of 2.24 times

  • Can boost his speed with Haste, Precision, and Agility


Durability


Scaling


Other Mercs


It’s no surprise that Soldier gets into scraps with the other eight mercs on a daily basis. While Heavy is generally the strongest and Scout is generally the fastest, it’s safe to assume that all of the mercenaries are within the same ballpark in terms of strength, speed, and durability. Otherwise, the Gravel War likely would’ve come to an abrupt conclusion if the mercs weren’t evenly matched.


  • Scout moved a giant styrofoam and balsa wood replica of Ayers Rock (143.09 tons)

  • Scout can outrun the signal produced by the Cross-Comm Express (> 1c)

  • Scout can hold up to 7 cans of BONK! (1 in his hand, 2 on the Bonk Helm, and 5 in the Caffeine Cooler). Each can of Bonk contains “several hundred times” the daily recommended sugar intake, making them weigh around 27 kg each, conservatively speaking

  • Scout survived three rockets aimed at him simultaneously (29 megajoules)

  • Pyro caused a massive gas explosion (and survived it unharmed) (0.12 tons)

  • Demoman used the Eyelander to decapitate a statue (3.5 megajoules)

  • Demoman outran his own explosion (Mach 3.15 - Mach 8.10)

  • Heavy stopped a runaway train with his bare hands (7.02 tons)

    • While he was under the effects of Ubercharge during the collision, he was still able to cancel out the momentum of the train using his strength alone. Ubercharge does not increase physical strength in any notable way, so a non-Ubered Heavy should be capable of producing a similar effect, albeit at risk of sustaining damage

  • Medic put up his shield at the last possible moment of impact from several rockets (327.66 m/s)


Merasmus


"Welcome... TO YOUR DOOMS!"


Out of all the mercenaries in the roster, the one that Merasmus despises most is Soldier. They've been roommates for assumed years, and throughout that entire time Soldier has been an absolute thorn in his side. From burying his fridge to turning his castle into a raccoon sanctuary to killing his new roommate Tom Jones, Merasmus has a litany of reasons to be upset with Soldier.


Needless to say, if he was capable of killing Soldier, he likely would’ve done so already.



Saxton Hale


"SAXTON HAAAAAAAALE!"


Hear me out.


Saxton Hale is the fourth-richest man in America (he killed the fifth in a harpoon duel) and the self-proclaimed strongest creature in existence. He displays astronomical feats of strength that, ordinarily, blow the nine mercenaries out of the water. In most situations, it would be completely illogical to scale even the beefier mercs, such as Heavy, Demoman, and, yes, Soldier, to the CEO of Mann Co.


...that is, until a certain game mode was released as part of the 2023 Summer Update. Commonly seen as a fan-made game mode for some time, it was polished up and released as a fully supported game mode. Versus Saxton Hale pits the burly Australian against a full team of RED mercenaries hired by Gray Mann, with his health scaling to accommodate the difference in teams. This means, theoretically, a single mercenary COULD take out Hale with some well-executed maneuvers. Add in the fact that Hale's attacks deal 195 damage, just barely enough for an average Soldier to survive, and I'd argue that the gap between Hale and the mercenaries he supplies isn't as big as we thought. Certainly not enough to constitute full scaling, but the fact that the mercenaries can even play in such a ballpark should be impressive in and of itself.


Personally, I probably wouldn’t argue that Soldier and the mercs are as strong as Saxton. But they probably at least scale in durability to some of his more insane showings, giving that Soldier can survive hits from Saxton in-game.


To be frank, Saxton Hale has enough ludicrous material to comb through to make an entertaining enough standalone blog (a prospect I considered whilst writing this one, and one I might actualize at some point in the future), but I'll go ahead and list the most impressive showings here.


 

FAQ


Q: Why are you using the TF2 item descriptions? Those are inherently joke-y. There’s no real reason to take them seriously.


A: Since when was TF2 a serious series? No, seriously, goofy item descriptions are par for the course when it comes to TF2’s brand of comedy. This is a series where a man wearing a hotdog costume fought off a hoard of bears in the Siberian mountains wielding only Amelia Earheart’s skeleton, joined by his naked, honey-covered wrestler friend and a being of indeterminate gender that sees fire as rainbows. Frankly, I feel like the item descriptions are the least of our worries.


TF2 is notoriously known for playing fast and loose with its canon, especially in terms of altering real-life history in order to fill a more inherently silly role. Abraham Lincoln inventing stairs, Tom Jones moving in with Merasmus, and Amelia Earhart’s hot dog suit are all things that, in the real world, would be seen as utterly ridiculous. However, TF2 has conditioned us to expect the unexpected. Therefore, I feel like it would be bad faith to at least not consider the possibility that all items were meant to be taken literally.


Besides, even if you did want to say that a lot of the item descriptions are too comical to be taken at face value, the item descriptions that matter, those being the ones for Dr. Grordbort’s weapons, are backed up by Grordbort’s website confirming the nature of the weapons. Even when taken out of the context of TF2’s silliness, these six weapons (as well as the other weapons on the website) still say that they have subatomic properties, most notably the Manmelter and the Pomson 6000, so in a vacuum they would still be fair game for usage, regardless of TF2’s comical flair.


Q: Why are you including the Kill Me Come Back Stronger Pills? We have no idea how those work!


A: Not precisely, but we can make some inferences based on how Merasmus’s boss fight plays out in-game.


When Merasmus spawns (and is eventually killed) he comes back within a few minutes at a higher level. The highest level he spawns at in-game is Level 3, in which he has a respawn time of 60 seconds. These “levels” indicate how strong Merasmus’s spells are allowed to be, as well as dictating his total health for the fight.


That sure does sound like what “Kill Me Come Back Stronger Pills” would do, now that we see it in practice! Granted, there’s no guaranteed correlation between the pills and Merasmus’s game mechanics, but I feel like Occam’s Razor should be in full effect here. The simplest solution is most often the correct one.


60 seconds is a perfectly reasonable respawn time for a VS scenario. While it’s not instantaneous or anything, it’s enough to get back into the fight before you’re considered down for the count for good. 


Q: Is End of the Line canon? It’s a community-made short.


A: Although the short was initially just a passion project by its creator, McVee, they were eventually summoned to Valve Headquarters about a week after the trailer was released to discuss making the short (and the community update tied to it) canon. The official TF2 website utilizes and promotes the End of the Line short on the update’s page. There are weapons, cosmetics, and taunts added exclusively from the short. With all of this in mind, I feel like it’s fair to assume that the short is fair game.


Q: How exactly would the Yeti’s caretaker know the extent of the yeti’s power? Can we even scale the yeti to the moon bust?


A: In the Mac Update comic, the “iBlewUpTheMoon” is presented as just a standard object that can be picked up and purchased from the Apple Store. There’s nothing that implies it’s some sort of top-secret superweapon that only exists in this one particular App Store. Jessica even refers to it as their “newest product,” implying that it’s just commonly available on store shelves.


Since the Mac Update comic came out around four years before A Fate Worse Than Chess, back when TF2’s lore wasn’t that fleshed out, it’s fair to assume that this takes place at a nebulous point during the Gravel Wars. Saxton Hale kills the Yeti at the tail end of the Robot Wars, right before the Australium Chase. So, it’s not like the “iBlewUpTheMoon” would be a brand-new thing that the caretaker wouldn’t have the chance to know about.


Besides, the moon’s destruction was all over the news. It would be hard for someone, no matter how “hippie”, to miss an environmental disaster as catastrophic as that.


Additionally, the yeti’s caretaker has spent massive amounts of time pacifying the yeti. She likely would have seen the yeti at its worst, as she had to have started from somewhere in order to pacify it in the first place.


Q: How the hell can Soldier scale to Saxton Hale? Hale is clearly stronger than him.


A: That’s true. I certainly still think that. I just also think that the gap isn’t as wide as we initially expected.


While Saxton is certainly incredibly beefy, the Vs Saxton Hale gamemode should support the idea that a full team of mercenaries should have decent odds of taking him down, meaning they operate within the same ballpark. Such is proven in Blood in the Water, where Heavy is able to effectively contest with Maggie, Hale’s partner in crime and assumed equal.


And, if you’re still finicky about Soldier even downscaling from Saxton, fine. Soldier (and every other merc) has a taunt called the Yeti Smash, where the user briefly turns into a yeti and pounds the ground. In this form, Soldier would certainly scale to the yeti, via being one, who in turn would scale to most other events in the series.


Q: Are respawns canon?


A: This is a claim that I often see perpetuated around various sources, but I’ve never really seen a good case for it being true. While the gameplay of TF2 is supposed to be a historically accurate retelling of the Gravel Wars, I feel like some creative liberties have to be taken in order to make the game function as, well, a game. In the comics, characters can die permanently, as Sniper was dead for 12 hours before being brought back to life. If respawns were truly a canon occurrence, I don’t think Medic would spend as many resources bringing Sniper back to life.


There is one quote from Poker Night at the Inventory where it’s implied that Heavy dies often and sees his past lives as nightmares, but PNatI plays fast and loose with how it presents itself. In other instances, Strong Bad refers to TF2 as a game on Steam, while in other cases Heavy is taken entirely at face value as a mercenary. I don’t think this is supposed to be anything more than a meta joke in regards to how the game works.


Additionally, PNatI has information that has since been contradicted, if we were to take it at face value, such as Heavy’s real name being Ivan rather than Mikael. I think it’s not too unfair to assume that the events of the game are somewhat non-canon, regardless of the tie-in items it provides.


Of course, the Kill Me Come Back Stronger pills would allow Soldier to come back regardless of the debatable canonicity of the respawn timer.


Q: To what extent does TF2 get crossover scaling?


A: Not that much, personally speaking. Many of the weapons and cosmetics that are direct references to other franchises are there as mainly just that: references. Even for those that are direct promotional tie-ins, such as the Ham Shank and the Prinny Machete, do not imply any sort of continuity between the two universes. The only notable exception I can think of is the AP-SAP, a sapper for the Spy ripped from the world of Portal (another game franchise made and owned by Valve), but I do not believe that the weapon itself provides anything notable in terms of scaling.


As for instances of the Mercs themselves appearing in other games, such as Scout’s appearance in Freerunners, Scout’s costume in Fall Guys, and Heavy, Pyro, and Spy’s appearance in Sega All-Stars Racing Transformed, it’s simple to argue that the games are simply non-canon, as they thrive on crossover elements. Similar to Super Smash Bros., I would consider the versions of these characters that appear in separate material as, you guessed it, separate versions. Maybe I would include it for a composite, but in terms of strictly canon material I can’t include it in good faith.


A notable exception to this, however, is Poker Night at the Inventory, which implies that the Heavy would scale to his opponents, most notably Max from the Sam and Max series (especially considering the Max’s Severed Head item). However, again, PNatI plays very fast and loose with its canon, and while you could scale Heavy to Max via this logic, there are things within PNatI that contradict TF2 canon and regard it in a meta sense. Thus, I’ve elected to discard it.


The only reasonable and relevant instance of crossover scaling that I think is entirely valid is with the Dr. Grordbort universe, as material from it consistently shows up across the verse’s canon, both in-game and through comics. Additionally, Greg Broadmore has close ties to Valve, meaning that this overlap is likely a joint collaborative effort between the two creative forces. Once the tabletop RPG hits shelves, I’m sure that we’ll get more info as to what this shared canon will further entail, but until then we’ll roll with what we have.


Q: Does Soldier have a soul? Or was it surgically removed by the Medic?


A: This is an idea pushed around by the TF2 comic line, in which Medic is killed and confronts the devil in regards to his afterlife. Medic is able to con his way back to the realm of the living via surgically giving himself eight more souls, hence giving himself a majority stake in his own afterlife. While the specific number of eight as well as a later line from the Medic would lead to the assumption that he gained these souls from the other eight mercs, there is a myriad of evidence that would contradict this idea.


For example, in the same comic run, both Scout and Sniper also briefly die. However, their souls are able to visit the afterlife, with Scout meeting God and Sniper meeting his late parents. In order to visit this afterlife, they would need a soul in order to go there. If they were the souls that Medic had surgically gained, they would have gone to hell in Medic’s place.


Additionally, during the events of Scream Fortress VII (the same Scream Fortress tied to the Gargoyles and Gravel comic), Merasmus’s entire plan and, as such, the gameplay of the event, hinged on collecting souls from the other mercenaries. As the Soul Gargoyle works in-game, we have to assume that the mercenaries, at least generally speaking, have souls to contribute to the Soul Gargoyle.


Therefore, I believe the more likely explanation is that Medic’s mentioning of “eight souls” and its relationship to the remaining number of mercenaries is purely coincidental, and he acquired these souls from some other source. Possibly the Classic Mercs. So, Soldier does have a soul. At least, as far as we know.


Summary


“If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created ME!”


  • Formidable stats

    • Attack Potency: Multi-City Block physically (via breaking open Dr. Grordbort’s Rocket), Small City to Island with weapons (the Cow Mangler 5000 is able to “quantum disentangle” cattle and possibly large tanks), possibly Multi-Continent with the Yeti Transformation Kit (Can turn into a Yeti, who is likely stronger than the iBlewUpTheMoon), higher with Powerups

    • Speed: FTL (Can dodge “high amplitude cross-spectrum radiation” from the Pomson 6000. Comparable to Scout, who can outrun the signal of the Cross-Comm Express), higher with Powerups

    • Durability: Small City to Island (Can survive his own rockets), possibly Multi-Continent (Can survive attacks from Saxton Hale, who casually one-shotted the Yeti), higher with Powerups

  • Possesses a large variety of weapons, all of which he is very proficient in

  • A skilled hand-to-hand combatant, despite his unorthodox style

  • Flexible movement via Rocket Jumping and the Grappling Hook

  • A large list of magical spells to draw from

  • Can give himself various buffs with his banners and the Power Up Canteen

  • Can regenerate with the Black Box, the Concherer, the Half-Zatoichi, and the Vampire and Regeneration powerups

  • Can imprison the souls of those he’s killed with the Soul Gargoyle

  • Can bypass conventional durability with the Plague powerup

  • Is effectively immortal via consuming Merasmus’s “Kill Me Come Back Stronger” pills


Possible Opponents


Sarge (Red vs Blue)


(thumbnail by Violet)


The obvious one, and the one that I see Death Battle doing if they ever were to cover Soldier. For good reason, too! It’s a fun matchup, and Sarge is a character who is intrinsically connected to Death Battle as a series due to being Boomstick’s most likely father. I can’t speak too much on it due to limited knowledge on Red vs Blue, but friends of mine who have seen it can vouch that this is a good choice.


Peacemaker (DC Comics)


(thumbnail by ChristopherMcgrath)


It’s fine. Personally speaking, I couldn’t care less about Peacemaker as a character, but from the few snippets I’ve seen of his show I feel like the interactions would be easy enough to write. Not sure how well Peacemaker’s fighting style would line up with Soldier’s, but I see the vision.


Don Quixote (Limbus Company)


(thumbnail by me!)


I saw this matchup once and honestly it kind of grew on me. They carry a very similar energy, and Don can certainly keep up with Soldier with her various Identities and E.G.O. Gifts. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s Soldier’s best, that still goes to Sarge, but I still very much like this idea in a vacuum.


Mercenary Battle Royale


(thumbnail by Grandbull)


While I believe this matchup works best as a discussion rather than an actual fully-fledged episode, I think that discussion is enough to warrant this idea’s existence. I’ve had long talks with friends about who would be the first merc down, who counters who, and who would ultimately come out on top. While I personally wouldn’t want to see it as an episode proper, I think it’s conceptually a very fun idea.


Closing Words


It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Trust me, I’ve got a good amount of projects in the works. That Cuphead blog that I teased is still cooking, though I had to put it on ice for a while due to other things taking priority (as well as a general loss of motivation). BUT, I promise it’ll eventually see the light of day, especially when the TV show gets more seasons.


I don’t have any ground-breaking news to reveal, other than that I’ve mainly been contributing most of my research time to G1^2, a blog ran by a friend of mine. I’ve participated heavily on Walter White vs Light Yagami, Minecraft vs Terraria, and Bendy vs Springtrap, with Monika vs White Face and Riku vs Meta Knight well on the way. Go give those blogs a read, and then go read the other blogs on his page because they’re all pretty good, in my opinion.


While battleboarding isn’t a particularly thrilling hobby, it’s something that I have a lot of fun going through. Even if the going gets tough, it’s nice to know that I’ve made a majority of my friends through various VS-related servers. 


With that being said, be well and do well. Take care!
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